Now, let the work begin in you. After rededicating my life to God, inviting the Holy Spirit to live within me and being baptized in the Holy Spirit, I believe the real work within me began. This transformation in my life happened during my early years of marriage. God is often reminding me what love is through his love, his word, and he is continuing to show me how to love myself. "Do you not know your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you?" (physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, spiritually) 1 Corinthians 6:19.
Believe it or not, early into my marriage I was full of anger and rage. Not too often but often enough, when I felt angry, or not heard I would "react" in a way that disrespected my Husband and also myself. I would throw things, leave the situation and speak death into my own life. Not knowing at the time where this was coming from, but when the storm calmed, my Husband and I would sit and talk about my past relationships and things I went through as a child. We would talk about the very things I was carrying over into the marriage. I realized that these underlying "soul ties" and childhood hurts were the very things I was angry and hurt about. Unknowingly did we know that I was on a road to recovery. My Husband would ask, "do you think that abusive relationship you were in caused you to become abusive?" (yes there's more to the story too) Dealing with the past can often bring up hurtful memories that we do not want to deal with or talk about so we avoid them. We say things like " I don't want to talk about that", "I don't care about that person who hurt me", " I don't know why that happened but I moved on" ect. Talking about my previous relationships, especially to my Husband, brought back hurtful memories but it was also an opportunity for me to guide my prayers, moreover my Husband revealed to me that this was an opportunity for him to pray for these specific areas on my behalf as well.
God began to unfold areas of my life that left imprints on my soul and was able to take these hurts and imprints and lay them at the alter of God through prayer. Slowly but surely with God as God revealed to me his grace and mercy, these hurts didn't hurt the way they used to, BUT they created a stepping stone to the next step God wanted to take me in my life. This growth that took place almost six years ago is still happening today as I write.
Who knew that I would have the guts to open up and share things about me and my life when once upon a time I was ashamed of the things I went through. In order to love myself fully I have to know who I am in God and who I was created to be. In my life and in my journey this revelation happened during my marriage. I met my Husband when I was 16 years old. Some called it "puppy love" but to us we were lustfully in love. Although we weren't together the entire seventeen years to date, God always keep us close and in touch.
We married considerable young, (25 years old) compared to others today, we knew we "loved" each other but failed to really realize that what we really are, is just two individuals that carry our own baggage, issues, hurts, problems and past who are now joined together with all of this and now are one flesh. We failed to realize that this "love" is a choice. That this love doesn't and will not always see eye-to-eye, that this love should not change no matter what, and that this love should always respect and want the best for one another; just like the love of God. We failed to realize that our marriage was and is not about us, (Him and Me) but ALL about God. That this love is an opportunity for us to show the love of God to one another and is yet our ministry.
True intimacy in marriage is first being able to ask God to come into the marriage and be the head of the two. It's then allowing the Husband to understand, learn and grow in his role which is to leave his mother and father to cleave to his wife, to love his wife (as Christ loved the church), and for him to be the head of the wife as unto the lord. This for me, has become so much easier over the years. Although I knew my Husband knew God, his relationship with God became more intimate. I remember our Pastor often asking, "what are you giving up in your flesh to walk with God?" I had to really think about this because we both loved God but was still living a life that was not different from those around us.
Living Holy and following God means you have to die to yourself and the things of this world.( my temper tantrums, my lustfullness, "my way or the highway" type of attitude, just to give you some ideas of my let go's). Giving up things you really like is a sacrifice. As my Husband started to give up his earthly/fleshly desires and started putting God first, I became more secure in my role as a wife because I knew who he was submitting to and seeking after. God will not bring harm into our life. If you are dedicated to seek him first and obey his direction and his word, you will be steered in the right direction. As my Husband and I both committed to this next step, the transformation continued.
True intimacy in marriage is me understanding, learning and growing in my role as a wife. Understanding who God created me to be (in my marriage) and how I am to contribute to this relationship, submitting myself to my Husband as I would unto God (Ephesians 5:22) and how I am a "good thing" that was created from man to serve as a "help meet" for him (Genesis 2:18). Although we both have so much more to learn, I am sharing this foundation with you. God is the sole foundation. Learning his order and design for our life makes life easier. Although we will still have trails, I am glad I know the source! This love and marriage journey that I am on is an eye-opener. God is continuing to unfold things to me all the time and I am enjoying the journey and all of its "growing pains". I realize that everything I went through and go through in my life was and is designed especially for me for this moment here.
I write to encourage, relate to, motivate and inspire you as I remind myself and sustain myself.